His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
