my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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