Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
