Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
MIDGETS
????
Randomize
