How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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