I got chris browned last night
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
