She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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