everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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