He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
