The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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