my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
