i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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