if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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