I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
