so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Randomize
