She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
