She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
