please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
