Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
