i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
