stop calling my apartment porn island.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
