Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
