exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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