My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
