I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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