the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
