we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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