I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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