so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
