No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
