I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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