She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
