i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
