Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
