wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
