She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
