I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
