FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
