Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
