she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
