my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
