Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
