im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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