halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
