I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
