do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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