apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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