He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
