i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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