theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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