one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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