Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
